An Open Letter to the Kid About to Get Braces

Dear Metal Mouth,

Endearing, isn't it? You'll be Metal Mouth (or worse) for roughly the next twenty-eight years of your life. But I thought I'd make the initial stages a bit easier on you by writing you a reassuring letter. The first step of the braces process is to go to the orthodontist's office and have an "initial" consultation with him. He is very nice, knowledgeable, friendly, smooth, and reassuring, as are all the staff. Don't be fooled. In his other life, your orthodontist worked closely with Fidel Castro, and received his orthodontic training in Communist prison camps, by trial and error (which is still his preferred method of work).

But once your mother, taken in by the nice feel of the place, sets you all up, you are stuck. Every so-called "escape route" (and I mean *every* single one) is blocked by electrical wire and soldiers with AK 47s. Do not be the kid who has personal experience with these...trust me, it's not worth it.

The methods of orthodontic torture procedures differ from kid to kid. They say it's because everyone's different, but it's really because they can't remember what they're doing. It's best if you realize this now. They will use things called RPEs, biteplanes, crickets, archwires, and brackets, but close inspection reveals that these are, in fact, parts of atomic weapons left over from the 1960s. If your orthodontist should ever say something to the effect of "you don't need to be a nuclear scientist to be an orthodontist," I recommend running away from home.

You'll also become familiar with "rubber bands." These were invented in 1931 by a sadistic orthodontist in socialist Russia. By the way, have you ever wondered why Stalin turned out the way he did? As a schoolboy. he was selected to take part in Russian orthodontics as they worked out their system, which was later widely used in POW camps during the Korean War.

Your orthodontist and his assistants have a completely different nervous system than you do. They'll say, "You may feel some slight discomfort," or "This might hurt a little bit," but when they say that, be prepared for agonizing pain. The truth is that they've become numb to how outside people feel -- outside of Communist prison camps, that is. However, you can hardly blame them for that. Usually they're not trying to be malicious -- they just struggle with separating their former lives with life in the post-Reagan/Thatcher world.

But if you survive the orthodontic treatment (read: as long as you aren't selected to be a guinea pig for any experiments in Moscow), you will have straight, beautiful teeth. Happy you!

Oh, look at the time! You'd better go now...you'll be late for your initial consultation! And you don't want to make them mad this early in the game, do you?

Love,
Erika
(written from a dark cell in Pyongyang)