Our Modes of Transportation Throughout the Years...

::by Jessica and Erika::

If you've ever had the nightmarish experience of seeing our family van rattling down the road, you've noticed that we are introducing to the world of mechanics a whole new level of "maintenance." You've seen us driving down the street, muffler dragging on the gravel (or noticeably absent), windshield wipers going berserk, door held shut with baler twine, seat belts permanently stuck together with chewing gum, and with roughly (what appears to be) 14 kids bouncing around inside. We put VeggieTales' Grapes of Wrath car to shame.

Getting into the van, one immediately notices the orange "Check Airbag" light flashing on the dash board. Not to worry, though; it's been doing that for the past six months. Persons sitting on the passenger side must pick the receiving end of the seat buckle up off the floor. Also, make sure when you shut your door that it latches. The outside handle sticks. Oh, another thing. The inside handle has broken, so you'll need to grab onto any available surface in order to shut the door. The back bench seat (affectionately known as "The Red Seat") is not for the weak of heart--or stomach. It is recommended that you duck whilst going over railroad tracks or other bumps, because smacking your head on the ceiling is a very real threat.

Even if you are not sitting in The Red Seat, be prepared for a bouncy ride. To the bafflement of mechanics everywhere, something [engine/transmission/spark plug/cylinder/gas tank/brake fluid/washer fluid reservoir/etc--we don't know mechanical terms] somewhere, somehow causes the van to jerk. Especially when driving up hills.

If you have the high privilege and distinct honor to drive the aforementioned van when it's dark, you will notice that the dash light does not work (with the exception of the "Check Airbag" light, which will continue to flash incessantly). This means that to know what speed you're going (an important part of driving) you will need to either 1) turn on the interior light, or 2) guess. This guessing becomes very exciting if you are driving past a police car and don't want to attract more undue attention by turning on your lights.

Another dysfunction to note is that the windshield wipers have their own personality. By this we mean that turning them off does not necessarily mean that they will stop. And they like getting stuck in the "up" position.

Oh, we almost forgot one of the most annoying features: the interior light likes to flash on and off, and will sometimes not turn off, even after the van is off. We think this is because the back doors don't shut properly.

And we're not even mentioning the red car with a blue hood, or the blue van with the orange door, or the brown van with the sideways seat, the tomato-can-patched-up-muffler, or the wired-up front bumper, or the..... [the list goes on]

However, we console ourselves with the knowledge that it could be worse. Whenever our Grandpa and his two sisters get together, a discussion of "the good old day" ensues, which inevitably involves hilarious stories about the vehicles their dad and mom drove when they were kids.

They laugh hysterically as they recall all of the run-down trucks and beat-up cars. One vehicle that will be remembered for posterity is the car that Great Grandpa William tied a log-chain around. Grandpa said the reason for this was that the body of the car was falling apart, and was, and I quote, "leaning south."

I (Jess) had remembered Great Aunt Janie talking about a car which had holes in its floor through which you could see the ground. When I asked Grandpa whether this was true, he said that "pretty near all of them" had that problem (amongst others). We can only imagine the result of driving on a dirt road in those cars.

Oftentimes, Aunt Janie, when riding in town, would duck down and hide when recognizing passing motorists. She didn't want her friends to see her riding in such a ramshackle contraption.

So it's not like our vehicles are too hopelessly embarrassing. At least we can't see the ground through the floor boards. Yet.

Oh, pardon me for a second--there's a car coming...gotta duck.